You’ve heard the news: divorce rates are skyrocketing. Nearly 700,000 couples divorced or annulled their marriage in 2022. Why? There are a couple of reasons from a lack of family support to infidelity and a lack of intimacy. And look: no marriage is perfect. Sometimes, it is better to cut your losses and hire a divorce lawyer, but other times, you can save the union with a little process known as marriage counseling.
Ahead, we lay out everything you didn’t know about marriage counseling including whether it truly saves a couple’s union from the brink of divorce.
What Is Marriage Counseling?
Let’s start with the basics: what is marriage counseling?
“Marriage counseling [helps a] couple identify and change the problematic pattern of interaction that causes conflict and disconnection in their relationship,” explains Audrey Schoen, LMFT. “Couples get stuck in these patterns, which are often self-reinforcing. Counseling provides a clear understanding of the pattern and strategies for getting unstuck.”
Okay, but does it work? According to experts, yes.
“Success rates average about 50-60% when couples go to marriage counseling,” says Mario Palacios, MA, LMFT. While that number doesn’t seem super high, there are reasons why (more on this later) couples counseling has its success rate. Marriage counseling does help—just look at the TV show “Couples Therapy.” Some couples have long-buried resentments or conflicts that months of armchairing won’t fix.
How Does Marriage Counseling Work?
All couples have disagreements. Going through a rough patch is totally normal. But when not getting along becomes the norm, it’s time to consider getting some help.
When to Visit a Couples’ Counselor
“When a couple gets to the point where almost all communication is negative and leads to constant fights, you need to go to marriage counseling,” Palacious explains. “Another sign that counseling may be needed is when there is no more sexual intimacy, or when there are infidelity or trust issues. Counseling may also be needed when one partner sees the other partner being ‘at fault’ all the time.”
Most people know that getting marriage counseling means meeting with a therapist and talking. But that’s painting it with a very broad stroke. The process is designed to be customized for you and your spouse, specific to your needs and goals.
Different Types of Marriage Counseling
Like any therapy, there are different approaches to help meet client’s varying needs. For marriage counseling, specifically, there are numerous but these are the most common:
- The Gottman method: Often the most used approach, it focuses on giving you and your partner tools to solve problems and help deepen your relationship on an intimate level.
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): This practice helps you look at negative thought patterns and understand how those patterns impact your behavior.
- Emotionally focused couples therapy: This type of therapy puts feelings and emotions at the forefront. The goal is to understand what led to your disconnection as a couple, and then work on making you feel more connected.
How to Find the Right Therapist
Your initial thought may be to learn more about the types of therapy and which one could work for you, but mental health experts say it’s more important to find the right therapist.
“The first question you need to ask is how competent is the marriage counselor you have found?” Palacios explains. “Their number of years of experience? Does he/she take a thorough psychosocial history from the couple? Does the counselor work on creating SMART goals with the couple? These are the questions to ask, because a good relationship with the counselor is key, and may even be more important than the specific type of therapy.”
You’ll know that you’ve found the right counselor when it’s someone who makes you feel safe and secure, and who you can both openly share with. You’ll discover these feelings as you begin the counseling process.
What You Can Expect
There’s no defined path to couples counseling. (Remember, there are different types of counseling to meet you and your partner’s relationship needs). But most if not all counseling follows some sort of procedure. It typically goes like this:
“The couple will meet with the counselor,” Palacios says. “The counselor will ask them why they are seeking therapy at this time from both parties (and yes, both partners can give different answers). The counselor will ask them to fill out a questionnaire in order to obtain pertinent information. Then the counselor will begin to get a thorough psychosocial history, a list of the presenting problems, and formulate goals.”
Understanding why counseling is important and how it works can be the first step to helping you feel feel more comfortable in your therapy journey.
How Marriage Counseling Helps
The purpose of therapy is to bring about helpful change in your relationship. Marriage counseling has a number of benefits, including:
- Tools for handling conflict. Stepping away from the conflict and processing it before coming back together is a valuable tool to learn!
- Get to know your partner better. Counseling can uncover deep-seated childhood issues that impact your spouse and your marriage. Learning more about their struggles can benefit you both.
- Deeper connection and increased intimacy. “Improved relational skills not only help to increase intimacy and connection within the relationship but also positively impact all relationships,” Schoen notes.
- Improved communication. Learning how to talk to each other in a way that’s respectful and acknowledges each person’s feelings is critical in a relationship.
“My husband and I attended couples therapy and it saved our marriage,” Schoen says. “We both worked hard to recognize how each of our behaviors contributed to the conflict patterns we get stuck in. We still have ongoing work to do, but now we have more insight, improved self-regulation, and better communication skills to navigate our challenges.”
Counseling Takes Work—But Is Worth It
Counseling won’t be easy. It requires a willingness to be vulnerable, introspective, and aware of potential challenges you may face. Finding a good therapist is one-half of the journey. The other is “facing your own contributions to the problem.” Schoen notes. “While not all problems are 50/50, we all have a role to play in resolving them. Making the time and financial commitment can be difficult, especially if you are parenting young children.”
Determination and a commitment toward your marriage can give you the energy and focus to keep pressing forward and trust the process.
Bottom Line
Counseling is not a cure-all for any relationship. You still have to do the work. In some cases, that may mean finding additional ways to work through your marriage issues. That can look like engaging in counseling books and videos or attending marriage seminars and workshops. Perhaps, journaling too! The goal is to learn more about your spouse’s needs, desires, and love language.
Does going to counseling mean your marriage won’t end in divorce? No. However, therapy and other tools can definitely improve your marriage if both parties are willing to put in the work. It’s truly a well-worth investment.
“Marriage counseling shouldn’t be a last resort—it should be a first line of defense,” Schoen says.
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