Can an Optimist/Pessimist Relationship Work?

Most of us know whether we’re fundamentally an optimist or a pessimist. But what if your significant other is also your opposite? We all want a partner that we’re compatible with, who can fulfill our needs and vice versa, but that doesn’t mean our partner needs to be just like us.

In fact, similarity may not always be the best recipe for love, so if you’re concerned that your “mixed-positivity” relationship may run into trouble, try not to stress too much. When you’ve found the right person, you’ll realize that your differences can actually make you stronger as a couple, even if you don’t always see the world in the same way.

Read on to learn more about optimism and pessimism, the advantages and disadvantages of an optimist/pessimist relationship, and tips for navigating this kind of relationship.

Explaining Optimists and Pessimists

On the “optimism-pessimism” scale, most of us are generally closer to one end. “In my experience most people aren’t optimistic or pessimistic 100% of the time but tend to lean one way or the other,” explains Dr. Amy Marschall, PsyD. “However, anything to an extreme can be harmful.”

Optimists

Optimists are, as you’ve probably heard, the “glass half full” type. They generally have the following characteristics:

• Hope: An optimist is able and willing to hold onto hopeful feelings in the face of uncertainty.
• Confidence that things can and will improve: Optimists are able to recognize difficult situations as temporary and see past those situations to better days ahead.
• Seeing challenges as opportunities for creativity: An optimist is less likely to be deterred by a challenge and instead can take advantage of the opportunity for creative problem-solving.
• Seeing problems as learning experiences: Optimists appreciate the ability to learn and grow after facing problems, rather than seeing those problems as immovable and permanent.

Pessimists

Conversely, pessimists are of the “glass half empty” persuasion (or, if you’re talking to a funny pessimist, “Hey! Who drank out of my glass!”). Pessimists are characterized by:

• Expecting the worst: Pessimists have trouble holding onto hope in challenging situations, assuming that Murphy’s law will always take effect and that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
• Biased in believing that things will always be difficult: A pessimist has the tendency to see difficult situations as unchangeable, has trouble imagining that things could improve, and may reject or find issues with any solutions suggested.
• Being put off by challenges: Rather than immediately looking for answers or solutions, pessimists are initially and inordinately discouraged by challenges.
• Seeing problems as roadblocks to success: A pessimist might be unable or less able to appreciate how problems could help them grow, and how tackling those problems could help them in the future. 

Advantages of an Optimist/Pessimist Relationship

The main advantage of being in an optimist/pessimist relationship is that the two of you can balance each other out. The optimist can teach the pessimist how to maintain a hopeful or positive outlook in the face of adversity, while the pessimist can teach the optimist how to temper their expectations so that they’re less prone to disappointment when things don’t work out the way they wanted or expected.

“Pessimists can help their partners be more realistic or think of potential risks, while optimists can help their partners be more open-minded and accept the unknown,” explains Yolanda Renteria, LMFT.

In an ideal optimist/pessimist relationship, there are two equal forces acting to maintain an equilibrium. This means that expectations will, between the two of you, be more realistic—one person will be acknowledging the possibilities of a situation while the other is acknowledging the setbacks. 

Disadvantages of an Optimist/Pessimist Relationship

An optimist/pessimist relationship can come with its own challenges too. “The constant push and pull dynamic can wear out both partners, especially when both partners fail to accept their differences and want the other partner to be like them,” says Renteria.

Conversely, the optimist could see the pessimist’s outlook as nihilistic or fatalistic—never being open to the possibility of good things happening or things turning out alright in the end.

“For optimism, there is the trap of the ‘good vibes only’ approach where you refuse to acknowledge that some things objectively suck or have bad parts,” Marschall says. “On the other hand, extreme pessimism can be disheartening and can make it difficult to have hope for a better future. Especially with the news lately, it can be easy to fall into hopelessness.” 

The pessimist might not be able to recognize that things can or will improve, which could make them see any effort as pointless; and the optimist might not be able to recognize the potential consequences, which could make them unprepared or underprepared when faced with difficult circumstances.

These different approaches to problems or difficult situations can lead to resentment if not discussed or addressed. “​​When your outlook fundamentally differs from that of your partner, it can lead to disagreement and conflict,” explains Marschall. “The optimist might feel that the pessimist is being a ‘downer’ and unable to see the positive, and the pessimist might feel that the optimist is brushing off their concerns.”

Strategies for Navigating an Optimist/Pessimist Relationship

“Communication, always,” says Marschall. Just like in any relationship, communication is key. 

“If your partner’s pessimism is getting extreme, let them know that you are worried about their level of hopelessness,” Marschall explains. “On the other hand, if their optimism falls into toxic positivity, tell them that sometimes you need space to just acknowledge that some things are bad.” 

Approaching a situation having discussed both the positive and negative potential makes both partners more prepared and able to handle the situation, no matter what happens. This will also mitigate any surprises—you won’t be shocked by your partner’s response when it comes time to plan or act.

Empathy and understanding are also important when navigating an optimist/pessimist relationship.

Taking the time to learn about your partner’s perspective makes it easier to compromise so that both of you feel comfortable and prepared for anything. 

Dr. Marschall also suggests that couples therapy might be useful. “It can help to talk things through with a couples counselor who can help you identify areas of miscommunication and find healthy ways to connect,” she explains. This can open up the conversation and help each of you find ways to understand and support each other.

Renteria sums up these approaches nicely. “Listen to your partner’s perspective, even if you don’t agree,” she suggests. “Validate their opinions and try to see things from their point of view. Share your opinions non-defensively and try to work out a compromise. More importantly, let each other win. This creates a sense of balance in the relationship and releases resentment.”

What to Say to Your Partner

Communication is more easily said than done, especially when you and your partner are personality opposites. 

When you come to crossroads—and you will come to crossroads—”I” statements are always useful. Explain to your partner how you feel, saying things like:

• “I know you think everything will be fine, but I am feeling anxious. Are you open to listening as I talk out my anxiety?”
• “I understand that this is a difficult situation. Are you open to hearing my perspective and why I’m feeling hopeful?”
• “I can see that you’re stressed about this. I feel more resourced and I’d like to support you. How can I best do that?”
• “I’m having trouble seeing the good in this situation. Could you share your perspective with me if you are able to see any positives?”

Don’t assume that your partner is thinking or feeling the same way you are. Be curious about their experiences, so that you can better understand them and prepare for them in the future.

What Not to Say to Your Partner

It can be difficult to be patient with your partner when they are reacting to things in a way that you disagree with or don’t understand. Avoid saying things like:

• “It’ll be fine.”
• “Don’t worry so much.”
• “I can’t believe you’re feeling this way.”
• “You’re wrong.”

Dismissing your partner off-hand can make them feel like their point of view and concerns aren’t valid or valuable. Learning to talk through each of your perspectives, rather than just trying to get your partner to see things your way, can be helpful.

It’s also okay to have different perspectives, feelings, beliefs, and realities. The existence of one does not negate the other and it is important for each of you to recognize the validity of the other person’s experience even if it differs from your own.

Final Thoughts

Even though it might seem as though you couldn’t get more opposite than an optimist and a pessimist, these types of relationships can be very successful. While challenges and differences of opinion can and will arise, learning how to understand and respect your significant other’s tendencies and views can help you and your optimistic or pessimistic partner build a strong foundation.